For the first time

For the first time in my life, I was doubting myself. I'm not sure whether I can do medicine, whether I can be a good doctor, whether I can achieve, not just my dreams, but also my family's?
I never doubting myself before. I always be an optimist. I always confident that I can do it. How hard I stumble, I still get up and try harder.

Then the story change. After the hospital trip, I suddenly realize that I'm not good enough for this. I'm still far away from my target. After joining my senior for their bed side teaching, I realize that i know nothing about medicine. I know how to take history, but I'm not good in physical exam and I also didn't know about symptoms of lot of diseases. All this are crucial part of medicine. How can I examine a patient if I didn't know how to do physical exam? How can I diagnose a disease if I didn't know about the symptoms?

These question always played in my head over and over again. The hospital trip is like a wake up call for me. To be honest, I feel terrified, I feel like I've been smashed to the hard wall. I feel like a loser. Yes, Ain feels she was loser. I hate this feeling but I don't know how to overcome this.

Then, Elya asked me if she can be a doctor? And guess what, I said yes to her, eventhough I also not sure whether I can do this. But, I really, really belief she can do it. She's great, she have good knowledge, she's smart and she can do it if she want. I know her, so I belief she can be a doctor someday, God willing.

But at the same time, I still doubting myself that I can do medicine. Then, after few days, I asked the same question to her and her answers didn't surprised me. I know she will say yes. She said YES, IF she seeing me focus during study and NO, IF she seeing me fooling around when I'm free. What she said was true. I just need to focus more and dare to try.

I actually worried because medicine is not something that u can take it easy. I'm going to deal with life and there's no mistakes for that. If I make mistake, my patient might suffer or die. Someone will lose their love ones forever and that make me terrified. I need to be perfect in my medical knowledge before I touch my patient, but how can I achieve that? I always hoping that there is some kind or machine or robot that can act like a human and I can use them to practice my skill and didn't need to worry that I might 'killed' them. If I make a mistake and they 'die', I can still push the "ON" button and start over again. But there's no such thing like that. So, whether I want or not I still need to use some patient as my experiment to 'polish' my skills. Elya told me that Dr Reza once said that doctors make mistakes, that is how they gain their skills. So, it's ok if I make mistakes because I'm still in a learning process. But yet, I still afraid to makes mistakes.

I always thinking why I become like this? Become someone that having a high expectation on theirself? Become someone that totally not me? Since school days, I never being so down even I fail my add math or only get lucky-all-my-paper-are-credit-even-it's-C6 in SPM.. Even when I get "cukup-cukup makan" for my matric's result, I still can smile and said "padan muka diri sendiri".. Doctor will always be my dream, I never imagine myself doing anything else, but still I don't really put an effort toward achieving my dream.. when I'm doing Bachelor in Medical Science, I realize I just a few step closer to my dream and somehow I word hard for it.. Then without I realize I become more serious with my life, I started to expect more from myself and always push myself over my old limit.. When I failed to achieve my expectation, I will feel suck.. I hate felling suck about myself but it still teach me something.. Now I'm changed, I guess I become a better person.. Hope this "New Ain" is much,much better than "Old Ain" who only thinks about having fun.

P/s: I sacrificed everything just for my dream, I don't know whether it worth it or not T.T

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